Toilet Paper Personality Indicator?

This goes out to my good friend Dani. My initial reaction to this suggestion was “WTF?!” And then, like I do, I started rolling it around in my head, and what I could blog started unraveling before me like the Sistine Chapel did for Michelangelo.

To quote the request:

“The paradigm of single v. two-ply toilet paper and how that relates to eco-friendly v. narcissistic behavior.”

As you can see, my initial “WTF” reaction was warranted. But, let’s break this down.

Johnny goes to the store because he’s out of toilet paper. Upon arriving in the designated isle, he’s faced with a moral dilemma. Moving up and down the isle, there’s the cheap, consumer friendly, college student with no money geared 1 ply toilet paper that leaves little paper flakes, and could possibly cause a rash. Or, there’s the more expensive yet so much more comfortable 2 ply rolls which will leave you with less money at the end of the trip, but are more durable, and typically softer.

Now, here’s where we start to analyze a personality based on this decision.

A.) Johnny decides to go with 1 ply.

Multiple factors come into play here, as he could be being cost effective, or he could really just not care what he wipes with. Or, he could be being eco-friendly in realizing that by using 1 ply, he’s killing less trees.

Those are also the people who actually look at how many sections of toilet paper they’re taking, and then fold it neatly, so as to preserve the precious TP, and in most cases, the ozone.

B.) Johnny splurges and goes for 2 ply.

This could mean that Johnny just has the money to spend, so why not go for broke and be comfortable, or he could really just be that concerned about what he’s putting on his delicate behind that he needs to make sure it’s soft. Obviously this person could care less about the earth, or trees, or the ozone or anything that involves the big blue orb we reside on. Coincidentally, these are also the people who typically will crumple up their 8 mile long TP strand, for the most amount of comfort.

So the question becomes this: Are the 1 ply-ers REALLY more eco friendly, or is it just because they don’t have the money? And furthermore, are 2 ply-ers narcissistic? Is it really that vain to be comfortable?

To me, narcissism implies someone who is so self-conscious that they worry about how they look, feel, act, etc., in front of other people. So I’m not convinced that using 2 ply for comfort really categorizes someone as narcissistic.

But I’ve been known to be wrong before. Regardless, next time I’m in the toilet paper isle at the grocery store, I’m totally paying attention to who puts what into their cart.

So, what do you use? 1 ply? 2 ply?

Be careful. I will judge you.