About four months ago, I wrote a blog entitled Toilet Paper Personality Indicator. Click the link to read the entry, and get caught up before you read the rest of this. Otherwise you’re going to read this, and be all like “WTFBBQ?”
Bleh. Chat lingo seriously makes no sense to me. It makes me dumbr.
See? (Intentional typo)
Sometimes I swear I have A.D.D., like for real. I seem to lose focus on things so quickly. So of course the sequel to the previous entry is long overdue, but here I am, so those of you (Lauren) who have been nagging me about “where the second part is” can now shut your mouths. Or mouth. ;)
A couple of you responded to that specific entry, and those comments were even inspirational enough for me to go “Hm…That’s quite interesting.” So let’s get started, shall we? Our first contestant hails from Tooele, UT. She likes long walks on the beach, “The Forgotten Carols” and red heads.
Nicole Glenn Whiting
October 7th, 2009SO here’s the DL-
I used to buy 1 ply-mostly because it was the cheapest. But since it was so thin, I would have to use more toilet paper to “cover my assets” from what it was that I was wiping. TMI? Too bad!
I switched to 2 ply when I had more money and because it is so much more comfortable! And since it is thicker-I use less and my toilet paper LASTS LONGER! So I DARE anyone to tell me I am not Eco friendly or narcissistic! All you 1 ply people use more toilet paper to protect your hand, and don’t deny it because I was one of them and I know…
After I read this, I immediately thought to myself, “OMG! I do use more toilet paper when it’s only 1 ply!” But, typically, I only use 1 ply if it’s at a friend’s, or if it’s in a public restroom. You can always tell how classy a business is (or isn’t) by the toilet paper in the restrooms. Not to mention how clean it is (or isn’t). Seriously, I’m the kind of person that will layer a bunch of T.P. on the seat before sitting down, and then waste an entire tree to wipe my ass just because I don’t ever feel clean enough when using a public restroom. It’s an obsession of mine I suppose, but seriously. Those toilets typically have the super flushers. You could stick a pineapple in there, and it’d suck it down without even blinking.
…that was a bit off track…
Our second contestant is a sarcastic wannabe know-it-all who hails from Provo, UT. He enjoys football, Xbox 360, and pretending like he’s cool.
Jason C.
October 8th, 20092 ply, QUILTED BITCHES!
I’m American. I have the right to wipe my ass with the softest thing available. I did a report on toilet paper though. The Romans used to use a stick with a sponge on the bottom of it I believe. People would use corn husks, leaves, and even cloth. Kinda interesting topic.
P.s. The really narcissistic ones don’t use toilet paper at all. They have their ass squirted with water ‘til it’s clean. I believe that’s reusable and more Eco friendly too ;).
First of all Jason. Being an American doesn’t entitle you to anything. So you fail pretty much instantly. Second of all, why the FUCK are you doing a report on toilet paper? Like seriously? What possesses a person to go “hm, I need to write an essay on something, what should I choose?”
*looks around the apartment*
“TOILET PAPER! THAT’S IT!”
For real. What the hell man. I’m glad there are people like you in the world who actually have an interest in researching the most retarded things possible. I’d high five you, but you also mentioned that you’d rather NOT use toilet paper. On that note, I really don’t understand the whole bidet thing. I mean, I get that it squirts water up your ass, and cleans everything out that way…
…but then what? The thing about toilet paper is that you actually can get a feeling for whether or not you’ve gotten everything. If I shoot water up my ass, all it’s gonna feel is wet. And then when it’s still wet, do I take a towel and dry off and risk seeing brown on it? I dunno, the whole thing just seems kinda iffy to me.
Wow. This post has done absolutely nothing to further the idea of narcissism v. eco-friendly people. But, oh well. I was entertained. That’s all that really matters, right? Unless you have the selfish notion that I’m writing this for YOUR pleasure.
Ha.
Okay first,
I am an American and that means I’m entitled to everything. Running hot water, an 80 gb Ipod which holds more music than I’ll probably ever own legallly, 2 ply quilted toilet paper; hell, I even have a Black President. Suck it rest of the world, you’re just jealous cause your ancestors weren’t ballsy enough to sail across the world and pick a fight witht he most powerful nation in the world all because they felt entitled to representation. SUUUUUCK IT.
My next point, I wrote the report on toilet paper in 10th grade. I had a history teacher who made us do a year long report. Every week we had to write a few pages on a subject which started with a letter of the Alphabet. For T I picked Toilet paper. Why, is something you may ask. The answer is because I was a snot-nosed class clown who loved the attention I got for being a pain in the ass. Frankly, that teacher loved me. She was awesome. She was from New Zealand.
My last point, I don’t think I would enjoy having water squirted up my ass. I’ll stick with 2 ply quilted toilet paper. It feels like a pillow on my ass. Plus, in a pinch, I can tear it apart and use each of the 1 ply. Yea, I’m an Eagle Scout. I think outside the box.
If you’re havin wiping problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but TP ain’t one! Hit me!
Jason = rockstar. No joke. Best comment ever.
Why must plies stop at 2? I dream of the legendary 9 ply toilet paper that takes but one square per toilet expedition.
Speechless yet strangely amused.
Phil, why not just use 4.5 squares of 2 ply? or 9 squares of 1 ply? Are you really that lazy?
@Ashley, Because the one-square, one-wipe completion would be the ideal.
Try having to park it on the toilet EVERY TIME!!! You don't see me complaining about the lack of 9 ply TP. Count your blessings, not your problems. In Jesus' name, amen.
This conversation/ blog is fucking EPIC! ha ha